07786 221257 hazel@hazeljones.co.uk

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

 

If you feel confused and wondering why it is so lovely one minute and you are so miserable the next then maybe it’s time to think about how healthy it is for you.

Here are some of the red flags you should be looking out for –

  • Have you noticed you walk on eggshells to avoid making him angry?
  • Are his rages so intense it frightens you and you find yourself agreeing with him just to keep the peace, even if his views are far from your own.
  • Is he charming one minute and abusive the next?
  • Does he put you down and undermine your confidence – even making out afterwards it was ‘just a joke’ or that you are ‘too sensitive’?
  • Does he play mind games and make you doubt your judgment or memory?
  • If you don’t agree with him or go along with what he wants do you get the silent treatment or made to feel guilty?
    • Does he criticise your friends and family or appear to be jealous of them?
    • If you try to talk about what is bothering you do you end up confused and feeling at fault even though it was his behaviour you wanted to talk about?
    • Do you know that he lies to get his own way?
    • Does he control your money, or make sure you are dependent on him for everyday things?
    • Does he pressure or guilt you into having sex when you don’t want to?
    • Does he monitor or track your movements or messages?

     

    If you notice any of these and you feel uncomfortable in your relationship it doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner is a narcissist but it could mean that you need to re-evaluate your relationship and whether or not you’re thriving. You’re not responsible for their behaviours, but you are responsible for taking care of yourself.

    It can be so hard to recognise and even admit that your relationship is coercive, abusive or that your partner has strong narcissistic traits. You may have an image of an abused woman and it isn’t you. Maybe you’ve always thought of yourself as independent, strong and resilient.  Not the ‘type’ of woman who would allow themselves to be abused.

    The thing is that often this type of relationship develops over time. There’s the frog analogy: if you put a frog in boiling water it will feel the danger and hop out, but if you put a frog in cold water and bring the water to a boil it won’t notice and boil to death.  Not exactly true but a good way of thinking of what may have happened to you.

    In the beginning, your partner was loving, complimentary, thought you were the best thing ever and you fell in love with that person, the kind caring lover;  the person who listened to you, laughed at your jokes, loved your stories, made you feel so special.  But over time, little things started to happen, criticisms, rages, accusations, little digs that undermined your self-confidence and your self-esteem.

    Increasingly you were made to feel that it was your fault that the relationship was so bad and so you were constantly trying to fix it, to make it better, to change yourself and your behaviour.  You were even told that you were the cause of the rages, sulks and bad behaviour handed out to you – ‘If you didn’t do this or that I wouldn’t need to lose my temper’ type of thing.

    Maybe you watched them with other people, likely being kind, compassionate, funny, likeable and thought that if they are like that with other people then the problem must be you.

    Please believe YOU are not the problem. You did not invite abuse, you do not deserve it.  Everyone has character flaws and you are entitled to have some too. That does not give anyone an excuse to abuse you.  This is not your fault.  I can’t stress that enough.  You will likely have been accused of all sorts of things in your relationship and it can be easy to begin to believe them, especially if there is a grain of truth.  But I am going to say again that you do not deserve to be abused, accused, insulted, undermined, sworn at, disrespected or ignored.

    If you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, especially if your partner has strong narcissistic traits, then please get out now. You are unlikely to be able to fix it. You’ve tried enough times and you’re still unhappy. You’ve given it your best shot.  Relationships shouldn’t be and don’t have to be like this.  Many people have good relationships based on mutual respect and love and you can have one too.  It’s not too late.

    But first you will have to get through the break up or divorce and heal. Get on an even keel and begin to know yourself again.  Work to regain your confidence, find your strength again so that when you feel you would like another relationship then you are in a strong, solid place to do that.  You need to do the work to know what led you to this relationship in the first place.  There’s a saying that ‘We seek the teeth that fit our wounds’, but if you heal those wounds you no longer need the teeth.  In other words you do not have to get into another relationship like this, it is not inevitable, it is fixable.

    You can decide what you want and don’t want in a relationship, learn to respect yourself again so that you are not at risk of gravitating to the same type of person again to repeat the cycle.

    You can heal from this and move on with your life. You can have a real loving relationship.  You deserve it.  You can have it.  It’s possible.

     

     

    Get In Touch

    Call

    07786 221257

    Email

    hazel@hazeljones.co.uk

    Address

    Abergavenny, Monmouthshire, Wales

    Hours

    Mon – Fri: 9am – 6pm
    Weekends: By appointment only